Expansive Intimacy with Jim Young

EP31: From Suicidal Tendencies to Intimacy w/Ross Leppala

"Everything in my life to validate myself and validate some kind of sense of self worth was external. I got all my worth through sports and accomplishing and being better than you and or being useful to you in terms of work."
- Ross Leppala
 
Ross shares his long journey of self-discovery and all of the scars from being marginalized as a first-generation outsider, along with the mental health challenges that arose from loneliness. 
 
Ross discovered his passion for sports as a coping mechanism but soon realized that although it helped release pent-up anger, it didn't necessarily result in intimate friendships. He candidly talks about his past suicidal tendencies and how he bravely opened up about his experiences. Ross elaborates on how this openness led to deeper, more meaningful relationships and the role this played in his healing conversation with his mother.
 
In a thought-provoking conversation, Ross and Jim delve into the societal tendency to suppress authentic expression and how taking responsibility for one's feelings can profoundly change the nature of relationships. Ross shares his belief that vulnerability and emotional honesty are key to expanding intimacy, evolving from a victim role to an enriched contributor role.
 
From his confrontation at a store to his transformative moment that led him to therapy, Ross takes us on an enlightening journey about emotionality, mental health, and the importance of seeking internal validation. He also provides an insightful look into his coaching work, his initiative Project Unchained, and his self-development course, the Belonging Blueprint.
 
Join us for this inspiring conversation as Ross Leppala shares his story and provides invaluable insights into building deeper relationships, cultivating personal growth, and fostering expansive intimacy. Stay tuned!
Quotes: 
On People Pleasing Tendencies: “If I can do something for you to make you like me? Well, then cool, then I'm worth something. And I would give myself away a lot. I didn't do things from a place of authenticity." (20:50)
 
On Emotional Responsibility: “You can't make somebody feel a certain way. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. Your feelings are yours and yours alone. Their feelings are theirs and theirs alone." (34:03)
On Despair: “I tried to take my life. And fortunately, I was able to stop just before I did any irreversible harm and thought, well, my parents don't deserve to find me here like this.” (10:59)
 
On His Work: “While powerlifting focuses primarily on physical strength and capacity, there's so many cool things that we can learn along the way to support our mental strength and mental capacity.” (42:21)
Connect with Ross: 
Project UnchainED Podcast
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ross-leppala-171197242/
Instagram: @ross.leppala
Question for Listeners:
Who is one person that you can think of right now who might find this episode helpful? Go ahead… send them a link. You might just strike up a new and meaningful conversation with them while you’re at it!  
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Editing & Production Services by JRS Young (my son). 

EP30: From Insults to Endearment: A British Take on Intimacy

“That is probably the most intimate conversation I've ever had with a stranger and possibly ever will.” 
 
Al Elliott, co-host of the podcast Truth, Lies and Workplace Culture, the UK’s number one podcast about workplace culture, shares an absolutely unforgettable story about his time spent as a Samaritan, wherein he spoke to people who were considering-or even in the midst of–taking their own lives. His job was not to save people or interfere unsolicitedly but to ask the right questions and hold space for the person on the other end of the line. This had a profound impact on the way he communicates with guests on his own show, including Jim, whose guest appearance led to an eye-opening dialogue on the unique way that men communicate and share intimacy. 
 
Getting even more specific, Al, a Brit, describes the unique way that men in the UK, particularly the north, show each other love. It’s usually wrapped in humor if not a scathing insult. As it is with most men, there is a soft center underneath what he calls “the crust of masculinity.”  Al has also learned a lot about communicating from his wife, business partner and podcast co-host Leeanne, a fully-qualified business psychologist. On today’s podcast, he offers advice on working with your spouse, and the unique way that introverts process information. 
 
Quotes:
“My biggest bugbear is when someone asks a question and then says, ‘...because when I was in the army…’ and you think, ‘You've made the entire question about you.’ So now you're in competition. The person who's answering has to answer in a way to make themselves look equally or better than you in order just to answer the question fully. Stop any of that. Never say ‘because’ if you're asking a question, ever.” (11:13 | Al)
"No matter how close you are to females in your life, they probably don't know the types of conversation that men have when they are really open and raw and honest. They don't tend to understand–and we aren't privy to the conversations they have with their female friends that are very raw and honest." (15:26 | Al) 
"I think the secret between the two of us is that Leanne's taught me the way that I react and the way that I think. And then she's explained to me the way that she acts and thinks." (18:36 | Al)
"But then there's also the fact that we tend to hide intimacy around insults and you tend to find that the closer the friend is, the more horrific this is, particularly with males, the more horrific the insults will be." (28:45 | Al) 
“Some of the most intimate conversations that I’ve had with people have been with strangers.” (36:27 | Al)
Show Links
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Al Elliott:LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/thisisalelliott/
Company Website: https://oblonghq.com/
Podcast: https://truthliesandwork.com/
 
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP29: How to Build Intimacy Through Discovery and Connection

“We’re created for this,” says Doug Kelley, PhD and author of the book “Intimate Spaces” about our natural inclination toward intimacy. At its core, he says, intimacy is about being fully present with another person, feeling safe enough to be who you truly are, free from judgment, and sharing close feelings whether they be positive or negative. As humans, we are built to be social, close and tactile as part of our very development. Yet, still so many people suffer from “affection hunger.” Even in relationships that are close and affectionate, can present unexpected new “emotional windows” to crawl through. 
 
Boys and girls are both naturally inclined, as well as socialized, to express intimacy in different ways. Doug talks about the way he interacted with his own sons and now his grandsons versus the way he will interact with his granddaughter. His approach is to use generalizations as a starting point while being mindful of each person’s individual traits. 
 
Doug also discusses what it means to forge an intimate relationship and connection with God and/or the Universe. As with any form of intimacy, the key is being mindful. As Doug and Jim explain in today’s discussion, it never hurts to get a little silly.
 
Quotes:
“There's a lot of talk about positive and negative emotions, but I like to cut through that because sometimes things we call negative emotions actually bring us closer together. So, I prefer talking about emotions that help us become close.” (6:08 | Doug)
“Built into our very system is this need for touch, this need–we're social animals–this need to be with others.” (19:58 | Doug) 
“The key for me for each is always to figure out who you're dealing with. I like to know the norms, because it gives me a starting place. But then I can see that this norm doesn't fit this person very well and so I need to respond differently here.” (28:11 | Doug)
“You have to be in a space where you feel safe, otherwise your spiritual growth is not going to go very deep. If the universe is out to get you, or if God is, it's pretty hard to talk about intimacy in that context.” (33:34 | Doug)
“I really believe that when we're honestly, fully present with someone, it's transforming. It changes us.” (40:32 | Doug) 
“Ironically, intimacy allows you the freedom to be who you are. But you can only go into intimacy, if you're who you are. Without vulnerability, there's no deep sense of intimacy.” (36:45 | Doug) 
Show Links
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Doug Kelley:
Doug's TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/douglas_kelley_experiencing_intimate_space_six_ways_people_experience_intimacy
 
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP28: Sustaining Sanity and Productivity: A More Balanced Approach to Work

“I felt like I couldn’t log off for fear of something bad happening when I did.” 
 
Five years into his corporate career, Grant Gurewitz found himself experiencing burnout, being constantly needed by his company and sacrificing more and more of his peace and personal life to be at the company’s beck and call. The usual lifestyle hacks such as journaling, diet and exercise and other changes only added to his burden, and traditional masculine attitudes dictated he just push on through. Things finally began to change when he began to define success on his own terms outside of Western capitalist values. He has since founded The School of Logging Off where he teaches others how to redefine their relationships to work while remaining in the corporate world. 
 
A balanced life and career success need not be mutually exclusive. In fact, many aspects of wellness and sustainability – taking time to exercise, taking breaks during work hours to be in nature – are exactly the kind of unconscious activities that help with problem-solving and creativity. Though the time spent may cut into the conventional notion of productivity, they can make for a better employee, and the value of work can begin to mean more than just the hours spent at a desk. 
 
On today’s episode of Expansive Intimacy, Grant and Jim discuss the rejuvenating power of nature and why transactional thinking – though it seems so naturally opposed to intimacy – can actually be a good thing. 
 
Quotes:
“I felt like I couldn't log off for fear that something might happen when I did.” (6:23 | Grant)
“I realized something had to change, but then that opened up the next daunting task, which was how do I even grapple with that myself? Because I don't want to start mailing it in, I don't want to be seen as this lazy employee. I don't want to turn into this clock punching mentality, essentially.” (8:04 | Grant)
“The first piece that really fell into line for me was really getting crisp and clear on how I define success for myself and not how I thought society shouldn't define success for me.” (9:29 | Grant) 
“The way I always think and talk about positioning is, if I don't do these things, then you're going to get a lesser me and you're paying me for my creativity, my knowledge, my brain. And if my brain is working at half capacity, you just aren't getting the best out of me. So the things I need to do to recalibrate, and rejuvenate and fill my cup are going to be the things that actually make me a far better asset to the organization anyway,” (19:43 | Grant) 
“I think you have to give yourself the freedom to do really high impact work in a high quality way, and then be done with it.” (30:42 | Grant) 
“I do not have the career aspiration of becoming the Chief Marketing Officer or like a VP of Marketing, necessarily. That's not my career aspiration to continue to climb that corporate ladder, the dangerous game that you describe of continuing to chase because–here's the football goalpost analogy– it's going to continue to move on you and you're never going to get there.” (33:00 | Grant)
 
Show Links
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Grant Gurewitz:
Website & newsletter: https://schoolofloggingoff.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/grantgurewitz/
 
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP27: How Men Can Find Safe Harbors In Each Other

“These guys, we'd be there for each other at any time of the day or night.” 
 
Carl Ficks is a founding member of the Dead End Kids, his group of friends from childhood who have maintained their friendships collectively and individually over the last 40 years. This means helping each other through major life events like death and divorce as well as making sure to check in with simple texts when thinking of each other in and among the responsibilities of everyday life. On today’s episode of “Expansive Intimacy,” he shares the history of how this group came to be and some of their most moving moments together. 
 
A lot of these memories and moments are inextricably connected to music and to bands like Roxy Music, Dire Straits and The Rolling Stones. Carl talks about the role music plays in his own life, and how it creates what he calls a safe harbor. In his weekly column, the Friday Ficks, nearly each post incorporating a musical theme, he offers readers lessons, insights and teachable moments from his life.
 
As the founder of No Surrender LLC (named for a Bruce Springsteen song) he helps leaders inspire their teams to productivity and growth, in part through wellness. Carl explains the role that exercise, particularly cycling, plays in his ability to be a better friend, father and colleague. 
Quotes:
“When you come from that service mindset, it's more relationship than transactional.” (6:14 | Carl)
“I think a lot of people are paralyzed by intimacy, and they fear it. And I think part of the, shall we say, mission would be to show them not to be afraid.” (9:26 | Carl)
“One of our goals is to just show men and others that, that you don't have to fear this, that a few simple words are very powerful. ”I'm thinking of you.” That's four words, that's it. And that that could potentially change somebody's day or life because they may not feel alone.” (11:04 | Carl) 
“The Dead End Kids are a motley crew of now 60-year-old guys. Many of us met in grade school. There are some guys that are part of this group that met in kindergarten when they were five years old. So we all grew up together.” (13:28 | Carl)
“I find safety, for lack of a better word, in music. It's almost a safe harbor.” (26:37 | Carl) 
“It's just something I look forward to. It doesn't happen every week, because life interferes. But it's there. It's that safe harbor that I spoke of. And we've shared a lot together over the years. Is it therapy? Perhaps not under the clinical definition but it feels therapeutic. It's very therapeutic.” (35:50 | Carl)
Show Links
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Carl Ficks:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carlrficksjr/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/carl.ficks.1
Website: https://carlficks.com/
 
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP26: Why You Should Join a Men’s Group

“While the wheel may have 30 spokes, the empty hub is its usefulness.” On today’s solo episode of Expansive Intimacy, Jim reads from the ancient Chinese philosophical text the Tao Te Ching, which he was introduced to by the leader of the first men’s group he ever attended. Today Jim draws from a passage in the book which explains that much like a house has four walls but its usefulness lies in the space inside it, the value of a person is measured by the soul. 
 
Like so many of us, Jim has often attempted to quantify his value using numbers and metrics and other tangible measures of worth. When attending his first men’s group meeting, he was eager to prove his worth, to show what he could do. He soon realized it was his ability to be open to listening and learning, to stay present that mattered most, and that it is when we are empty that we have the most to offer.
 
Over the last fifteen years, Jim has been a part of countless men’s groups and retreats, but before that, he was reluctant to take the first step. He shares what he has learned from these experiences, how his groups have expanded and grown and how you can benefit from joining a group of your own.
 
Quotes:
"I think one of the things that I tend to get stuck on is measuring myself by some number, by some measure of worth that I think can be quantified and recognized." (5:22 | Jim)
“I wanted to show up and let people know what I was and what I could do in order to prove myself. And it ended up not mattering. What really mattered was that I was just myself, and that I was able to be open and willing to learn, willing to share, and willing to listen.” (6:09 | Jim)
"It's not even a nice-to-have. I think it's crucial for men to be in conversations with other men where they get to show their cards and they get to do that in a way where they're not going to be judged, where they're going to be supported, where they're going to be seen for the struggles that they have." (13:25 | Jim) 
"Expansive intimacy is a tool set for men to navigate this modern world in a way that they can thrive and their relationships can thrive and all the people around them can thrive and their organizations can thrive." (13:49 | Jim)   
"This is where men get resourced and supported and can come out of the counting type of self worth stories that we tell ourselves." (14:45 | Jim)
Show Links
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP25: Untethering Love, Sex & Intimacy

“I think we delude ourselves, especially as men, when we think we can heal on our own,” says Sean Harvey, Chief Compassion Officer and Master Facilitator at the Warrior Compassion Men’s Studio. ”Community is where we see each other in our full humanity.” In a world where men are bombarded with countless messages about how best to be and which path to take, Sean’s work offers not a solution to a problem, but an opportunity to heal. Most men avoid opening up to each other for fear of judgment, when in fact, it is by being vulnerable that we discover we share all the same fears. The other side of showing the ugly and shameful parts of ourselves is that we discover the strengths and positive traits that we can offer to others. 
 
Men in general have difficulty feeling and naming emotions, which makes it all the more difficult to recognize and feel love. What’s more, most never received unconditional love, leaving expectations rather than acceptance, as well as a number of unhealthy attachment styles. Sean untangles the overlap between intimacy, love and sex and explains what men are really looking for. 
 
The journey toward intimacy is messy, difficult and different for everyone. But the feelings of ease and liberation are immeasurable. 
Quotes:
“When men are in community with men, we break the cycle and the thinking around terminal uniqueness, that I'm the only one struggling or suffering in this way. And then we start to break down—‘Oh, you're experiencing this too’---especially when it comes to our relationships.” (11:52 | Sean)
“We don't necessarily know how to get to the intimacy, we know how to access the sex, we know how to have it, we know how to manipulate to get it, or whatever it is, right? But it isn't until we bind to our relationship with love that then everything comes into a right sized version of itself.” (18:01 | Sean)
“We don't need to define a path for other men. There are so many people that are willing and offering or demanding this is the path forward for men. Take it and you'll be a better man. No, we don't need another person telling us how we need to be as men. We need friends, peers, guides who are asking us the questions so we can discover our own truth.” (33:32 | Sean)
“Part of doing our work, doing our discovery of our own truth, right, coming, becoming integrated, and coming to that place of acceptance. The more we do that, the less expectations we have above others, the less judgment we have of others, the more acceptance we have of others. And the byproduct of that is that energetically, we become psychologically safe for others.” (46:33 | Sean)
 
Show Links
 
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Sean Harvey:
Website: www.warriorcompassion.com/
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP24: How to Improvise Your Way to Intimacy

“We all walk into the room together, performers and audience alike,” says Scott Braidman, Jim’s improv coach at the Happier Valley, a nonprofit improv comedy theater and training center in Hadley, Mass. “We don't know what's going to happen next. And then we discover it together.” This type of intimacy and mutual exchange with the audience that sets improv apart from so many other types of live performance requires a steady connection with your own emotional point of view. Of course, this is easier to do on stage than it is in life where emotions are unpredictable and always changing, and it’s especially true for men who have been raised in contemporary society. Luckily, being present is like any skill: the more you practice it, the easier it becomes and the better you get at it. 
 
For children, it comes more naturally. Scott discusses their natural ability to stay present as well as the importance of presence in parenting. He explains the way he felt obligated to only play with boys when he was young, and how by becoming involved in theater he rediscovered his natural ease with female friends. He also shares a fascinating story of his own father and how the trajectory of their relationship took a completely unexpected turn after an incident in an elevator. 
 
With Happier Valley, Scott hopes to make changes in the world by helping people incorporate improv tools into their lives to promote wellbeing and social justice. Hear his thoughts on what it means to give and receive feedback personally versus professionally and when honesty isn’t always the best policy. 
Quotes:
“Maybe why kids are so joyful is because they're just present with their reality day to day, moment to moment.” (5:08 | Jim)
"I don't know, the opposite of presence maybe is insurance." (6:03 | Scott)
“It does go back to that idea of presence. One of the reasons improv feels so special is that the show feels like it belongs equally to the performers and to the audience, the people who are in the room… they've brought something to you to give to you.” (16:18 | Scott) 
“The present can be sort of uncomfortable or not even uncomfortable, but it just takes effort. So for me, it is constant work day in and day out.” (27:39 | Scott)
“Being present is a really good practice, I think it improves your life and improves all of your relationships. So the more you do it–it's sort of like planking: the more you do it, the better you get at it, the longer you can stay in it with less effort.” (30:48 | Scott) 
“If I'm giving feedback to a performer and a team that I'm coaching, it's a little bit more, it's going to– this is going to sound negative–but it's a little more manipulative, I'm, it's not necessarily worthwhile for me to give that person the entire truth of what I'm seeing.” (41:41 | Scott)
 
Show Links
 
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Scott Braidman:
Website: https://www.happiervalley.com/
 
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm

EP23: Consenting to Hotter Sex

"We have to shed this idea that we are this definitive thing of a good person or a good man. We are flawed and vulnerable and we are trying." 
This is the advice Eric Fitzmedrud PhD, a therapist specializing in relationships and sexual issues, brings to today’s show. 
 
The winding road to intimacy, especially in long term relationships, is not easy or glamorous. Even the most well-intentioned partners will hurt each other just by continuing to grow, and part of intimacy is knowing this and choosing to trust anyway. Being a better man is not about being “the good guy,” but rather evolving past who you were yesterday to meet your potential and being an example for other men rather than a source of competition. Eric shares his own story in which a period of infidelity led to recognizing his authentic self, and through hard work, cultivating a deeper intimacy with his partner. 
 
In recent years, the topic of consent has been viewed by many men as a dangling sword of Damocles. In his new book, “The Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships and Hotter Sex,” Eric explains that consent is a chance for both parties, whatever gender, to reclaim sexuality for themselves and meet each other on an equal playing field. Communicating boundaries and fantasies is not necessarily a greenlight for sex, and he discusses how to view and handle rejection, especially when as humans our focus narrows the closer we get to our desire. 
 
Consent in the bedroom should be part of a larger cultural shift in the way we consider all of those around us from our children to our co-workers. Eric explains the important step to keep fantasies from becoming obstacles to intimacy, body language cues that many partners overlook, and the best place to talk about consent. 
 
Quotes:
“One of the myths that we encounter is you could hurt me, but if you really love me, you won't… intimacy makes hurt an inevitable part of a relationship.” (8:24 | Eric)
"We need some help, even if in long term relationships…The problem is that we haven't received a lot of the foundational tools in terms of understanding how to navigate our own desire" (17:54 | Eric)  
"When we receive a no, that doesn't mean a no to us, a no to everything, a no to the next time. A no means no to this in this situation, to the way you asked." (27:05 | Eric)
"Have your consent conversations on a walk in public… ask for something new in that context." (33:08 | Eric) 
“I really think of the process of building consent as building consent culture and that it takes place everywhere.” (38:26 | Eric)
 
Show Links
 
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Eric FitzMedrud:
Author Landing Page: https://www.drericfitz.com/the-better-man
Amazon: https://amzn.to/43jojfY
Barnes & Noble: https://bit.ly/TheBetterManBN
Bookshop: https://bit.ly/TheBetterManBkshp
Social (@DrEricFitz)
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drericfitz
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drericfitz
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@drericfitz
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drericfitz
Twitter: https://twitter.com/drericfitz
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
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Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
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EP22: Leading the League in ... Intimacy?

"I just cried and grieved as openly and nakedly as you possibly can. And I think that helped me in a lot of ways, actually."
 
Talking about sports is often a way for men, who aren’t socialized for intimacy the way women are, to avoid going emotionally deep within their relationships.
 
On today’s episode of Expansive Intimacy, Jim and ESPN SportsCenter anchor David Lloyd use the topic of sports to segue into a larger discussion about men and their responses to grief, trauma and other experiences with intimacy.
 
Jim and David, who were both high school athletes, discuss the form of intimacy that is felt by teammates, and why a college fraternity is the last place you want to be struck by grief. David also shares a touching story about being part of a poker club and showing empathy for an acquaintance.
 
David’s life has had its fair share of life-altering events. His dad died when he was five and his sister passed away from bone cancer when he was a teenager. Later, his daughter would endure treatment for a brain tumor when she was only four. He discusses the effects these events have had on his family and those around him. He shares the story of Scott, who showed grace and compassion beyond his years following David’s sister’s death and has remained a true and steadfast friend. He also describes visiting his father’s grave with his own son and what he taught his son about grief and vulnerability.
 
Of course, David says, life is made up not of the major events but of small everyday moments. Hear him describe the way he and his wife Deirdre navigated long distance and opposing time schedules during the early years of their relationship, and how this culminated into one of the best gifts he ever gave her.
 
Quotes:
About his daughter's cancer diagnosis: “The trauma that spreads around from something like that, I tried to hide it from our children…but we were all this organism as a family, and we're all picking up what everyone else is feeling.” (David)
On deep male friendship: "That's a great thing, when you have a friend that is that close and you have zero doubts about who they are as a human being." (David)
To his son: "I know you were a little emotional back there, and I just want to tell you that you may know at your age, know teenage or whatever, you may think that's sort of weakness or something. I said, that's not that's strength. To be able to experience that and to have that in your heart. That is a beautiful thing." (David)
On men's social lives: “You can put six strangers together in a room, and you can usually find a common thread: either you can talk about the weather, or you can talk about sports. It's not religion, it's not politics, it’s nothing dangerous. And it's sort of a social lubricant. But in the same vein, you don't ever get anywhere.” (David)
Show Links
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
 
Connect with David:
Tune into ESPN SportsCenter most weekday mornings, between 7:00-9:00am Eastern time!
 
Connect with Jim Young:
Website: www.thecenteredcoach.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Expansive Intimacy, the book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/
 
If you like what we're talking about on the show, would you consider sharing it with someone important in your life who might also appreciate it?
I'd also love it if you would rate, comment, and subscribe to Expansive Intimacy on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!
 
The views expressed are that of the individual and do not represent the opinions of any companies past, present or future.
 
Intro Music: Catch It by Coma- Media
Outro Music: Upbeat Funky Retro by QubeSounds
 
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm